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Tackling the “Back to School” Wobblies

28/1/2019

4 Comments

 

By Angie Laussel, Child and Family Therapist

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The long, hot summer school holidays, with the smell of sunscreen, the sound of backyard cricket and the sticky aftermath of ice-cream, are coming to a close. It’s late January, and children and parents across Australia are readying themselves for the new school year. Some children and young people are SO bored they can’t wait to return for the stimulation and to reconnect with their friends. Parents too are counting down the days for a return to routine... 
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Others are starting to feel the bite of worry. Thoughts of: “who will my teacher be?”, “will I have any friends?”, “what if it’s too hard?”, “will I fit in?”, “what if my clothes/bag/shoes aren’t right?” - are starting to gnaw. The back to school wobblies are very real for many children, and can result in noticeable mood changes, tearfulness, irritability, sleep problems, and somatic symptoms such as stomach pains or headaches.

With our grown-up knowledge and experience, it can be tempting to dismiss their worries and give superficial reassurance that “it’ll be alright!”. This is especially true when we are caught up in the busyness associated with back to school: organising new shoes, uniforms, books, stationery and trying to get a school friendly sleep routine re-established.

It’s important to remember that change can give us all the wobblies, especially when we feel we don’t have much control over it - which is very much the case for children and young people going to school. So how can we genuinely reduce our children’s back to school wobblies in a way that builds their resilience? These 7 tips can help you tackle your child’s worries, when they can appear too big for them to tackle by themselves:


  1. Take the time to listen. Children’s fears can feel overwhelming to them, and it is important not to minimise or dismiss them. Instead, we can be gently curious about their worries, and ask them to share more information so we can really get an understanding of what underpins their concerns. A simple sentence like, “I can see how much that is worrying you,” lets them know we have really listened and that we take their fears seriously.
  2. Normalise their worries. We can let them know that lots of children have those fears and that it’s always OK to talk about them. Letting them know we can work together to help sort it out is also reassuring for them to understand that they’re not alone, and that there isn’t anything wrong with them – which can be a big fear for many children.
  3. Help them problem solve. Invite their ideas on what might help, what might make a difference, for them. Actively support them to follow through on their problem-solving plan. Worry about whether they will be wearing the right clothes/uniform, for example, can be huge.  Perhaps they could check what friends and others will be wearing; look online at photos of other school students.
  4. Be prepared. In the lead up to school starting, we can work together with them to layout clothes, pack school bags, confirm school travel arrangements and go over plans so they are well known. We might need to remind ourselves not to approach this as if it is a chore – our excitement can be encouraging for an ambivalent child, and our calmness can be reassuring for one who may be anxious.
  5. Practice new situations. We can forget that it is often the small things that seem the scariest for children. Our bodies and our minds are soothed by knowing what is coming, by practicing new situations and by repetition. Consider walking the school route with them before school starts, or going through the routine of arriving at school (“first you drop your back outside the classroom, then you go find your friend, you can play together until the bell goes, and then you go to your classroom”).
  6. Establish routine. A routine in the week leading up to school can help smooth the transition: gradually return to school bedtimes and wake times, reintroduce morning routines, start giving school type snacks and lunches. The less “new stuff” we have to introduce on the day the better!   
  7. Manage our own anxiety. The new school year can be anxiety provoking for parents too, and children will pick up on this. Being calm, focused and consistent can help everyone. It’s important we aren’t tempted to allow children to avoid school because we are concerned about their level of anxiety. This reduces their capacity to build resilience, diminishes their ability to manage their own emotions, and can establish a pattern of avoidance that is difficult to change. Instead, remain calm and caring, reaffirm they have to attend, and use the above steps to let them know we will help them talk through and problem solve their worries.
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The back to school wobblies are a common experience for children of all ages, including young people going to high school. With parental and school support, the majority of children will learn to cope with their fears, settle back into the routine of the school year and learn to manage the ups and downs that come with it.  
 
Some children, however, may need extra support if the back to school wobblies are more persistent and pervasive. Their fears and worries can transition to anxiety, which may stop them engaging with friends, participating in activities, and make it difficult for them to do things that others their age do.  Big emotions such as anxiety are difficult for children to speak about, so will often be expressed through behaviour or through somatic symptoms. You may notice significant and sustained changes in your child’s behaviour, such as being withdrawn if they were outgoing, or defiant if they were cooperative. They may develop repeated and unexplained physical symptoms such as tummy aches, headaches or stress related skin conditions. Anxiety in children rarely just gets better on its own, and seeking support early is the most helpful thing you can do for your child.
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5 Keys To A Healthy Relationship

22/1/2019

1 Comment

 

By ​​Rowena Bianchino

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February is just around the corner, which of course means Valentine’s day is upon us, so why not dedicate a moment to reflect on your current relationship, or on attracting the one you want to have!
 
The truth is, none of us enter into relationships lightly and we certainly all hope that ‘this is the one,’ but slow down… you’ve only just met this person and it’s more than likely you have projected all of your fantasies and unmet needs on this unsuspecting customer, and theirs on you. 
 
From the get go, no-one human can possibly fulfil everything we need and we definitely all have our little quirks that will undoubtably reveal themselves in time! So, if you’re looking at beginning a healthy, long-lasting relationship, or making your current one even greater, here are five things to think about:
 
  1. Philosopher, Author and Founder of the School of Life, Alain de Botton, says that Romanticism has a lot to answer for. The romantics made beautiful art and wrote stirring poetry, but they also set the bar impossibly high for modern relationships! How many times have you said, “I just wish my significant other (S.O) was more romantic.”? In fact, I bet you’re dreaming about how this Valentines Day, they may just get it right! Botton recommends that when you think you have met the one, it’s best to be straight up about all the ways you are weird – after all - they’re going to find out anyway. Now don’t get us wrong, it’s not that we don’t think a bit of mystery fuels erotic love, it’s just that anxiously hiding our true selves is taxing and more often than not creates distance. Botton adds that when you cast your critical eye and decide you don’t like how they deal with the toothpaste tube, rather than groaning with the thought you have to put up with this annoying trait forever, remember it’s only for that moment. We all come with faults. The takeaway here: criticism is not sexy! 
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  2. Sex Therapist, Author and Educator, Esther Perel, writes about how to keep the erotic alive in our relationships. How many of you have noticed that as soon as a relationship becomes ‘too domesticated’ it loses some of its frisson? As we seek for more security, we lose the intoxication of uncertainty and risk and become complacent. I’m not suggesting that you have to be ‘on’ at all times, and can’t have a bad hair day, it is more that you actively work to keep your own dreams and desires alive. The healthiest relationships are the ones where you get the balance right between ‘you time’ and ‘we time’. There is nothing sexier than seeing your partner going for life, fully engaged and immersed in what makes them passionate. Too often in my therapy room, couples reflect on how they’ve ‘lost themselves’ in the poor bargain they made by thinking they had to focus solely on their partner so they wouldn’t be left. More time doesn’t equal the best time, but of course there needs to be lots of great times between you where you co-create your own unique relationship based on the best you bring out in each other.

  3. That brings me to the next point, keep learning about yourself and how your formative experiences may have impacted your adult relationships. Researchers, Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby, did their ground-breaking research on Attachment Theory. If you haven’t heard of this theory, in a nutshell: they found that the way you attached to your primary care giver in early childhood, influences your attachment style in relationships. For example, those of you who are secure enough to go out into the world and explore while allowing your partner to do the same, you probably had a ‘secure attachment’ when small. For the rest of us, we may have developed either ‘anxious’ or ‘distant’ (avoidant) attachment styles. That means that when we feel emotionally unsafe, we either pursue looking for reassurance, or shut-down and turn away because our feelings are overwhelming. Both partners are looking for safety, but often it’s one’s reaction that triggers the others. It is very common for couples to enter into a dance of pursuing and distancing. The trick is to identify and grow to understand your style with compassion and curiosity. Once you know, you can work on finding a more secure relationship style. Personal therapy can really help with this! 

  4. Communication… you saw this coming didn’t you? Yep, it’s a big one, and often the first thing that goes when we get a bit lost in our relationships. The number one best tip in communicating with your S.O is to listen. I know you’re saying “yeah, yeah, we’ve heard it all before” but… that is precisely my point. When you and you partner are having a conversation, how many times do you assume to know exactly what they’re going to say and begin to formulate your response? As soon as you notice yourself “thinking”, you’re not actually listening anymore. In this way, the conversation often goes pear-shaped. As a relationship therapist, I often feel like a ‘traffic cop’, directing the traffic in your mind to stop and wait. When couples really take the time to listen to what their partner is saying, they often gain new meaning and understanding about their experience. Remember, your partner isn’t the enemy, just someone who is probably as out at sea as you! If you give them time and respectful listening, you may just find out how much you really do mean to them. You’ll even get an A+ if you reflect back what you think you heard for clarification! One other tip on communication is to pick your time/place. For example, if you really think about it, most conflict happens when we are tired, hungry, thirsty, have had too much alcohol, stressed etc. Pick a time to have meaningful discussions when you both have the time to go the distance. Unless you cannot avoid it, don’t have them in cars. Feeling trapped often brings out anxious reactions that lead to a fight! Take good care with how you set up these important discussions. Remember that each time you get through tough moments, intimacy has been built.

  5. It’s not easy to navigate the relationship terrain in the era of social media and swiping right. There are many reasons that we can become addicted to looking at our phones in the anticipation that we will find the perfect partner on Tinder. The truth is: they just don’t exist - but the excitement of continually looking is habitual anyway! A young successful graphic designer in New York, recently reflected on how difficult it has been to find and keep a partner. She is gorgeous and clever and I was quite surprised. She said that she goes on plenty of first dates, but is seems that if you don’t ‘wow’ them early on, they are soon off looking for the next. The reality is that seeking relationships is emotionally risky business. Facebook, Instagram etc. provide us with plenty of distractions and have caused many a conflict between couples. Uncertainty in life is a given, and we have to develop a strong sense of our capacity to cope with it when it comes our way. By connecting with yourself and not seeking your worth from others, you’ll allow yourself to be free to give what we want, and keep some for ourselves. Last year, Esther Perel published her book: The State of Affairs, Rethinking Infidelity. She suggests that we can definitely learn and grow from our mistakes. I could write a whole article on this topic (and in fact, I might!), but the point I want to get across here, is that we need to be able to talk with our partners about desire, and what you both want/need from each other in an honest way. We need to be able to trust others, but even more so ourselves.   

Just as much as a relationship is about understanding each other, it is also first and foremost about understanding yourself. Personal therapy is a great way to understand the inner workings of yourself – which often leads to a better understanding of your experience, past and present, in relationships. This leads to a healthier approach to relationships, and a more inquisitive way of being able to understand your current or future partner. Couples therapy is also, of course, a great way to explore your partners interior world and likewise, help them understand and get to know you more. A safe space to express yourself, where you can be a fly on the wall as your partner does the same. Couples can learn a lot about each other, even in just a few sessions, opening up a whole new world and an entirely new meaning to your relationship. 
 
Read more about how we can help your relationship with yourself, or your S.O, by exploring our Integrative Therapies here. We’d love to hear if you found this article useful, or if any points resonated with you. Leave us a comment below, or engage with us through our socials.
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Managing Stress In The Workplace.

14/1/2019

2 Comments

 

By Jayde Austin

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It’s no surprise that most jobs involve some degree of stress, which isn’t unreasonable, however it can become an issue for individual’s health, and the workplace when it becomes excessive and ongoing. Not only does the effects of stress have a significant impact to mental health (in some cases causing an individual to develop anxiety and/or depression – or worsening their existing conditions), it also affects the productivity and performance within organisations.
 
Let’s first explore the effects to the individual, because we’ve all been there at one point or another, and it’s never pleasant. Some people thrive off being under pressure, but for others, it can feel overwhelming, causing physical symptoms such as:


  • Fatigue
  • Muscle tension
  • Headaches and migraines
  • Heart palpitations
  • Sleeping difficulties
  • Gastrointestinal upsets
  • Dermatological disorders
 
Then there’s the psychological and behavioural symptoms you may experience, such as:


  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Discouragement
  • Anger
  • Lack of concentration and mental clarity
  • Increased sick days
  • Diminished creativity
  • Decreasing work performance
  • Problems in personal and professional relationships
  • Mood swings
  • Disinterest and isolation
 
So what causes all of this? What factors are contributing to people feeling stressed at work? The main culprits include:


  • Working long hours
  • Working through breaks and taking work home
  • Unrealistic deadlines and targets
  • Limited input in decision making
  • High mental task demands
  • A lack of role clarity
  • Poor communication
  • Conflict with managers and/or colleagues
  • Workplace harassment
  • Workplace bullying
  • Low levels of recognition and reward
  • Poorly managed change
  • Discrimination
 
When mental health becomes compromised by work, it’s important for an individual to take steps to not only cope, but overcome this stress, allowing them to stay mentally well and as happy as possible. We first encourage individuals who are experiencing workplace stress to understand your agony, ask yourself, is this temporary? How intense are my stress levels? How long have they been increasing, and what impacts are they having to my work performance and personal relationships? Monitoring stress is a great first step in exploring not only the resulting factors of stress, but also the causations. Learning to identify when you’re stressed can help you either avoid commitments that may have otherwise proven taxing to your stress levels and mental health, but also figure out ways to manage situations more effectively in favour of less stress (i.e. ask for longer deadlines, start planning ahead of schedule, have an honest conversation with your managers, or confiding in friends and family, etc.).
 
While it’s difficult to give generalised advice to people experiencing stress in the workplace, given it is extremely individualised and circumstance based, there are a few key recommendations that are sure to help  alleviate stress caused by the workplace.


  1. Start limiting working extra hours.
    According to the ABS, 5 million of Australia’s 8.7 million full-time employees put more than 40 hours of work in every week, with 1.6 million of them exceeding 50 hours! While there are circumstances throughout the year that may results in some added workload, if working overtime becomes the norm, it begins having an impact to one’s mental health and their personal lives. If limiting the amount of over-time you do is unrealistic, it’s worth talking with your manager about your responsibilities and the possibility of sharing this workload. Don’t forget that you always have the right to raise your concerns with human resources, should your managerial conversation show no results. While these conversations can be difficult, not having them could be worst.
  2. Take your daily lunch break.
    Leaving your workplace during lunch and getting some fresh air will allow you to refocus, refresh and boost your productivity for the afternoon. Some people see working through lunch as a ‘trophy’ that shows they’re of value to their employer because they’re busy and dedicated, however the flow on effects of this, including burn out and reduced productivity, simply aren’t worth the sense of purpose you may be feeling during that time. Ensure you step away from your work space once a day to enjoy time for yourself.
  3. Leave work, at work.
    This one is tricky for a lot of people, but ensuring you don’t get into the habit of taking work home will do wonders for stress levels, as you’ll be able to focus on your personal life and those waiting for you when you get home. If you really need to finish something for a deadline, or you’ve promised a co-worker you’d look into a specific project out of hours, be sure to make a set time to do it as soon as you get home, so you can get it out of the way and focus on your loved ones and getting a good night sleep.
  4. Plan a holiday.
    So often, people let their annual leave build up – but taking a holiday once or twice a year has immense mental and physical benefits. Allow yourself to take time off to zone out and prevent anxiety and depression, and increase enthusiasm and work performance when you’re back. Not only is this in your best interest, it’s in your employers too.
  5. ‘No’ isn’t a negative word.
    But it isn’t always easy to say… we all like to please our managers and colleagues, but it’s important for us all to have boundaries of what is possible within our workload. Don’t be afraid to say no to others if your workload or mental capacity simply can’t allow for it. This will help you manage your schedule without as many surprises and overload, and help your workplace understand that you’ll always help within reason.
  6. Limit work technology at home.
    Ask yourself the question: am I really needed 24/7, would simply having my mobile number suffice as a form of contacting me? This is important in establishing how much of your work you’re allowing to ‘come home’ with you. If you’re only a phone call away, do you really need your work emails connected to your personal phone or laptop? If having your work emails connected at home is important to your position, try to limit the interactions you have via email, to those only absolutely necessary.
  7. Take time out for you.
    While spending time with your family and friends is a great way to help with mental health, it’s equally important to spend time on yourself, resetting and working on feeling better. Anxiety from stress causes many uncomfortable physical symptoms such as feelings of tension, tightness, and pain sensitivity. We offer yoga as a way to combat these. Our studio teaches yoga postures, known as asanas, to help ease the physical discomfort that is caused by anxiety. Asanas work to stretch, lengthen, and balance the muscles. These postures can assist in releasing built-up muscle tension and stiffness throughout the body. View our timetable or reach out to us to discuss our classes and workshops in further detail.
 
Aside from yoga, we also offer various forms of assistance to individuals suffering from stress, anxiety and other forms of emotional unease. View our page on Integrative Therapies to learn more about how we can help you overcome your current hardships.
 
You may also be part of a workplace that offers an Employee Assistance and Wellness Program (EAWP) to assist employees with personal and work-related issues that are impacting their job performance, health, mental and emotional wellbeing. If your workplace offers this service, it’s absolutely worth chatting with someone about taking advantage of it.
 
For business owners who aren’t aware of this offering, EAWP gives you access to a team of specialists providing services that promote the health and wellbeing of employees. These services are designed to improve morale, and reduce absence levels and stress in the workplace, with the long term aim of improving the general health of the workforce. With EAWP, companies are gaining from resources helping employees manage their personal and work lives, meaning that both parties gain great benefits. With the primary focus being on the identification and resolution of employee and manager concerns, EAP programs are able to help individuals overcome triggers of anxiety and stress, allowing them to be happier, calmer and regain their optimal performance levels.
 
Harbour Therapy Clinic has a worksite focused program to assist with personal matters such as health, relationships, family, finances, emotions, anxiety and depression, alcohol, drugs and other related issues. Early intervention at the workplace is effective in ensuring employees return to work, in a positive, stable environment. We can advocate on behalf of the client to assist in reducing the impacts of workplace stressors. If you’re an employer concerned about your staff’s wellbeing, or just looking to boost their overall well-being in team building, visit our official EAP page to read more about this service and enquire with our team. Remember, when you or your staff start to be absent, it's our advice to make a timely response.
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Making Your New Years Goals Stick.

3/1/2019

0 Comments

 

By Jayde Austin

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         Re-set, re-adjust, re-start, re-focus as many times as you need to.

With the new year, comes new resolutions. From quitting smoking, to being more physically active, or even eating to maximise your health/pleasure paradigm – whatever the focus we love hearing the goals people set – it shows that they want to continue enhancing their lives, and gives them something to focus on in the New Year.
 
In our experience, most goals we hear about will undoubtably have a positive impact on mental health, as people foresee themselves being in a happier space upon reaching their goals. It's quite surprising to know that a mere 20% of people actually accomplish what they set out to do… Not only do we hope this percentage increases; we also hope that you’re part of that group. We have written out some simple ways to help you continue moving forward to reach your set goals.


  1. Write your resolution(s) down:

    If you haven’t already, writing your goals down and ensuring you’ll see them twice a day will help keep you remain focused. Maybe that means you’ll write your resolutions down on post-it notes and stick them to your bathroom mirror so you see them first thing in the morning, and again at night while you’re brushing your teeth. Keeping a journal that charts your journey can also be really useful. Keep it by your bed and write down any important realisations or dreams while your'e at it. Harbour Therapy Clinic's Art therapist, Marg Coutts runs journalling workshops if you'd like to explore this in greater depth. 


  2. Develop a support network:

    Your nearest and dearest are often your biggest cheer squad. From family, to friends, to colleagues – talk to your inner circle about what you’ve planned to achieve in the new year and how they can help. Can they keep you accountable? Can they simply ask how you’re going or be an ear to talk to when you’re struggling? Sharing your goals with others not only impresses it more deeply in your mind, but allows you to achieve greater encouragement when working towards them.


  3. Measure your success:

    Stay motivated and on track by measuring how far you’ve come each week. This will help you realise the positive impacts of your efforts and allow you to ‘start over’ when a new week comes around if you’ve come off track.


  4. Reward your progress:

    Make sure you treat yourself to some kind of reward when you succeed – but be sure to make it something that’s enjoyable, not what you’ve been trying to avoid. For example, if you’re trying to quit smoking, don’t treat yourself with a cigarette, instead, do something else you enjoy – take a small weekend getaway, go to your favourite restaurant or buy yourself a congratulatory gift.


  5. Treat setbacks as a learning experience rather than failing:

    If you slip off your healthy eating plan, don't make it to exercise or sneak a secret cigarette, it’s not the end of your goal – it’s an opportunity to learn, and set ‘prevention goals’. Look at what happened leading up to the setback: what situations make you slip? Can you avoid it next time? Try to reflect on the situation with your support network – maybe they have some ideas that you haven’t thought of on how you can move passed this and avoid it happening again. The biggest thing to do here is stop obsessing over a slight mishap and flip the ‘negative’ to a ‘positive’ – now you have prevention goals to keep you on track! Remember gentle self compassion is far more effective than allowing your inner critic to run rampant and drive you away from your goals. 


  6. Yoga, Qigong, Mindfulness and Meditation:

    Use practical tools like Yoga, Mindfulness and Meditation to help calm the nervous system and strengthen your love of self and connection with others. You'll be able to gain greater self-awareness and focus on your intentions, helping you stick with goals and gain a more centred way of approaching them. Learn how you can utilise these practices in 2019 through our introductory courses by enquiring here. 

What goals did you set for 2019, and how are they going so far? We’d love to hear from you in the comments below.
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    These blogs have been authored by individual therapists, students and interns practicing at Harbour Therapy Clinic in Coffs Harbour, Australia.

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